Day 1
Things are going pretty good. Annie left today to go visit her family and will be back in a week. I will miss her but am optimistic about having some time alone as well. It should be refreshing.
Day 2
Things are still pretty good. I ate most of the food Annie left...because I got bored...then I cleaned the house again...its not as fun without Annie's (and moby's) random placement of their belongings. Watched PBS all night. Its kind of quiet.
Day 3
I haven't been able to figure out how to turn the stove on... so I ate raw Ramen with mustard for dinner tonight. It was surprisingly.... disgusting. I was going to wash it down with something, but I forgot where Annie keeps the milk. I spent the night hungry and huddled in the center of the living room wondering what would happen if someone came in the house while Annies not here...
Day 4
Today I spent the morning looking at old pictures of Annie... Mostly I was hoping that one of the pictures would show her operating the Cuisin-Art so that I could grind up a large root looking vegetable that I found buried in the pantry into bite size pieces that wont make me gag. I stopped wearing a shirt at 3:00 oclock ... and stopped brushing my teeth today at 3:15, I see no point...
Day 5,
5 days it has been since "the great one" departed on her prolonged journey. The provisions she left behind are all but gone. I have been forced to ration the remaining supply of random grains and legumes equally amongst myself and our goldfish Squaw. Should the misfortune of harsh conditions prevail I will be forced to eat Squaw. I grow weaker each day. Snow has once again fallen and I was able to fashion a crude shelter in the front yard... I considered remaining inside the house where it was warm... but figured it would be far too dangerous. I heard the voices again today...Evenings, I stare at the pantry and marvel at the ease with which "the great one" would fashion strange bags of homogenous looking materials into delicious feasts...delicious feasts which seem unearthly now. I have one more hot dog...I fear it shall be my last. I spent several hours in the backyard hunting the brown and tan creature who once frequented our yard... but alas I cannot find even a trace, I fear he too has left this dreary place.
When will this end? Will the "great one" return as prophesied? And if so when? Will I soon spend my last agonizing moments in this lonely (albeit, ubeleivably clean) ranch style home?
To any who may stumble upon these astoundingly widely available and accessible final diary entries, please tell "the great one" that her humble, lowly and moderately good looking companion was undyingly faithful to the bitter end... and is wondering if she could remind him how to open the zip lock bags that she sealed much of the remaining food rations in....
18 comments:
wow. looks like you have been filling your free time with a lot of writing and possibly some reading ("To build a fire"---- or "Alive" possibly. very funny. she will be pleased to know that you would be savage and lost without her. oh- maybe you've been watching "Lost"! Your prose have a similar craziness and desperation.
Dad, Mom, Deb and Andrew do not know how to respond or make a comment to this. hope you survive!
It was so funny Jake we truly laughed and laughed. love you Mom
Jake I have met with the great one and she has told of her plans for you and your quest. Stay strong Jacob for the force is with you and the end of your suffering will bring you great truths.
Oh my goodness... My sides hurt. Jake, you CRACK me up! I hope Annie returns soon... and milk is generally kept in the fridge.
I, too, am dying Jake. It's mean to write such funny things because in my 'delicate' state my bladder control isn't so good. I'm feeling victorious that I laughed my head off while reading and didn't wet my pants.
Bwahahahaha
You are a funny man. I can see why Annie likes you.
Are you sure it's PBS you are watching though?
I think it fair that I should let everyone know that I am returning home tomorrow (with the brown and tan one) to save Jacob from.....himself.
Jake, if you are reading this, I miss you a lot and hope you are alive when I get home.
Love,
Annie
Jake,
Stay strong. It is times like these. Where your will to live gets tested to harsh extremes be strong brother.
Jake,
There ought to be laws concerning how funny a blog entry can be. Don't you ever concern yourself with the safety of others? Imagine the effects that reading your entry could have on someone with a heart condition. Anyway, good to know we didn't lose you.
Thus Quothe the raven "NEVERMORE".
i fear for my younger, once strong and determined, now destitute and seemingly withered brother. foraging the 'woods' for morsels. how did it come to this? but alas, i too know his pain, having lived through the departure of a "great one" living on cold cereal, though shunning the PBS, read books until i lived in them and was surprised by my sudden beard, and the fact that i had not changed my clothes for a week..... sigh.
though, my house was astonishingly spik and span, you could have licked the toilet seats, and seen your reflection on the floor.
There is only one way my friend, one way to make it through . . . you must use your remaining strength and locate a man. He has large red shoes and although his name is only spoken of by children and the media propogates his medicine causes long term disability, he will help you to one more day at least. You know you have found him when you see two golden arches. Good luck my friend and remember my counsel--find the man and you will find strength.
oh Jake, you are too funny! You just made my day. Sorry to laugh at your suffering but I just can't help it :)
Considering all that befell you on day 5 I'm really nervous for Spencer this summer.
Ah my long lost friend. It has been many moons since the "Great One" has returned, and I hope that you have somehow managed to piece together the scraps of your remaining humanity into (if nothing else) a shell of the man you once were. Perhaps if Fate, in her infinite mercy, sees it fit, we may cross paths yet again. I leave you know with my simple salutation, hoping that by the grace of a higher power you are able to comprehend the meaning of my message, and that you are able to send me a communique reassuring me that your mortal sojourn has not been prematurely terminate. I bid you adieu good friend, and await with angst your reply.
Sincerely,
Shawn Swensen
Regional Game Warden, Great Basin Cheddarvark Sanctuary
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