Reflections (and Confessions) of a new father

In my four-plus months of fatherhood I have made the following observations. I recognize that my limited experience will almost surely serve the sole purpose of amusing those who have preceded me in parenthood, and those who observe from the sidelines. Perhaps the other father of four month old twins will be the only one who truly finds utility in my reflections… I am comfortable with that.

1. I am increasingly convinced of the principle of “transcendent moments” in parenting. It suggests that parents endure what can be a majority of unpleasant moments by experience occasional moments of “transcendence.” The example: Henry can be a pill. He doesn’t sleep when he should (when I should), he throws up all over himself, can shriek like Gene Simmons (but in a tone unknown to traditional scales), and is generally a source of distraction from other critical activities. That said, in the 30 seconds he smiles at me during a diaper change at 3 am with the “I just thought we needed some quality time together Dad” look in his eyes… all is forgiven. Its all worth it! That’s a high that no other earthly experience has yet afforded me. Which is critical when, after five more minutes, he has re-engaged in warfare against sleep.

2. I have a genuine and thorough astonishment for the mother of my children. I do not know how she does it. I have never been so relieved to go to work each morning for my “break.” Tuesday nights are “Annie appreciation night.” She works at Pottery Barn from 5 till 9 pm. The three of us (Chenry and I) barely survive this ordeal. A perfect snapshot of this would be me reaching down into the swing where a screaming Henry waits for me to fix the alignment of a bottle I have propped in his mouth. Meanwhile a fussy and slobber-faced Charlotte (in the baby holder on my chest) would be hunched over with me, drooling onto my work parents (which I didn’t have time to change out of). How Annie does this day in and out is truly beyond me, and speaks to the higher power that mother’s channel.

3. Oh…this is how parents lose it. OK, I am still perplexed by dangerous violence applied to children in moments of frustration… but I am less perplexed. No I would never hurt my child, but one night after a solid week of horrible nights, I went to put Henry down after his third round of rocking and waking (over 2 hours). I got him down in the crib, and did the commando hand release, perfect… perfect… easy does it….CLANK! I stepped on a playtoy while turning around. Suddenly Henry went 0 to 60 in 0 seconds. In the frustration that ensued I squeezed Henry firmly to my chest and directed the LOUDEST yet COMPLETELY SILENT primal scream into the heavens ever known to man. My spirit had left my body, joined itself with satan and then slowly returned… it was a humbling experience.

4. Little things. I, like most people, can do hard things. We typically endure hardship by telling ourselves “we can GET THROUGH this.” Just gotta make it to Saturday (scout camp), just gotta make it to May (difficult term), etc. I have found no one task to be too overwhelming in and of itself in this little parenting project. What tends to intimidate is the magnitude of what I signed up for. Tonight’s challenge may end… but there will be others next month, next year. We signed up for an EXTENDED program. The moments that this reality really settles on me are some of the most overwhelming.

5. Entitlement. I have no entitlement as a parent. I tried to convince myself that I do:
Dad: Dear Charlotte and Henry, Daddy works hard to provide for you and Mommy works hard to care for you. Because of this we are entitled to a few things: A) By 8:30 you will be asleep so that Mommy and Daddy can remember what the other looks like without four additional limbs, B)We will wake up 2 or 3 times each night, BUT you must go back to sleep after the 45 minutes it takes to feed you. This is our entitlement kids.
Charlotte and Henry: Nope
These are some of the hardest times too. You have told yourself you can endure it as long as your entitlements are preserved. When you “work” through your “break,” you find yourself desperately seeking an HR representative to complain to. I am a parent, support staff to a boss who does not understand “break” and is beholden to no schedule.

6. I have felt sort of guilty about not reading as much parenting literature as my wife reads. The other day I thought to myself… maybe it is good that one of us can speak from a relatively “un-informed” perspective. I tend to think (maybe inaccurately) that too much “information” can be a bad thing (e.g. talk radio).

7. There is nothing cuter than baby laughs.

8. Most co-workers and colleagues can’t tell which shirts were lurched on earlier that morning.

9. I was right in asserting that I did not need to “practice” by changing my friend’s kids diapers. Yeah, picked it up pretty fast.

10. If you think your awkward with babies… you are, but just wait until you have your own.

11. Annie and I watched a video of us bathing Henry at about 3 weeks. We were so careful and gentle and soft. This is an amusing comparison to our M.O. now which is to grab the “other’ child by the shirt because that is the only way to do it with the one hand you have available.

12. I can do things with my right hand now that I never thought I could do with both hands!

13. Necessity is the mother of invention? (oh and beenkies ARE necessary)…

14. Its all relative. Forgive me for this obnoxious observation. This one is hard. I know so many mothers with one baby who have really worked hard and been pushed to their limits. I get that it is REALLY hard regardless. That said, it is hard as a twin parent of 4 month olds to re-calibrate to that fact. For us, the dream is not a moment to ourselves… the dream is a moment with just one baby... TRULY! It is such a relief. Those are magic moments. All parenting is non-stop, but my experience with one baby is that it is non-stop AND humanly possible, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way with twins.

15. I love being a DAD!